Our final goodbye… Eulogy for our beloved Ilu 🤍

Jai Shree Krishna, thank you all for joining us today. I stand before you on this sad day to speak about our beloved mum, Illa. Pranay and Bailey’s Ilu Nani and to bid our final farewell to her. 

My mum and I have always had an incredibly unique relationship. I remember her as being the kindest most loving mum in my early childhood years. Everyone who was there at the time will recall these events differently. This is my version of events. This is what I saw, this is how I felt. I remember her becoming unwell often. Mentally. But she was still my mum. Even on those days. I remember even as a young child that she had good days and bad days. I remember wiping away her tears. I remember feeling scared. Not understanding what was happening to her. Some days I was terrified of her. Some days I loved her deeply. Some days I didn’t want to be with her. Other days I missed her and longed to see her. From a very young age I didn’t live with my mum on a full time basis. I would spend my week with dad and his side of the family and I would spend every other weekend with mum and her side of the family. My holidays were shared between the two. This was my normal. I have always loved both my parents equally, deeply, with all my being and I always will. 

I often look back on those years and I am not sure if I have ever said this out loud to my dad but I thank him with everything I have for always making an effort to ensure I saw my mum. For all the hours, in fact years, he spent driving me to and from Leicester. He did that for me. He helped me maintain this relationship that could have so easily frayed at the seams. It is because of that support that my mum and I were able to bond as deeply as we did. It is because of that effort that I was able to soak in and appreciate all the love that radiated out of my mum onto me. I dread to think what would have happened to her if our bond had not been secured at that crucial time. 

Like I have already said, everyone who was there at that time will have their own version of events. This is mine. 

My mum loved me more than she has ever loved anyone or anything. I was her whole world. She would have done anything to make me happy. To see me smile. She has spoilt me rotten over these years. My mum was the most loving person you could ever have imagined. She was filled with love. Sadly circumstances weren’t kind to her in this lifetime. She wasn’t always able to live up to society’s high standards. However for the people who truly understood her worth, this love would have been felt by them. 

There came a time where she stopped being my mum and she became my child. And so today is like a double edged sword, I am saying goodbye to my mother yet at the same time I am saying goodbye to my child too. 

Not many will know about the countless times my dad and his family have rescued my mum and I in the last 25 years. The trips from London to Leicester to A&E at 3am. The times my mum has been missing, walking the streets. Every time she did not answer her phone set me off in a panic. The times she overdosed herself. The times the police have called me asking me if I am her next of kin. The list is endless. My dad and his family have supported me throughout my life, right through to my mum’s death and beyond. They have been there for my mum silently through me for all these years, because of the love they hold for me. No matter what has happened in the past or during this time. No matter what has been said and done over these years. All the feelings that have been hurt along the way, ultimately each and every one of them have at some point in time played a most vital role in my upbringing. Equally my Nannima, my mum and Kanu Masi have instilled their values within me. Together, between them all they have created this person standing in front of you today. Where there is love. everything is possible. 

There have been so many people on my journey with mum who entered our world and helped us in some way. Some for days, others for months and some for years. Many have been by my side forever. I thank each and every one of those people. 

The people who helped my mum fight her battles when she was alone and helpless. The people who were there for her when I was too young to understand what she needed. The ones who moved my mum’s furniture with us. The ones who came to visit mum at any one of her infinite hospital stays. The people who have cooked for us. The people who have ever brought a smile to my mum’s face. I thank you all. 

To some of my mum’s family in particular who once helped her and did their best to be there for me when I was trying to navigate what was the toughest time of my life when my Nannima passed away. I thank you all from the bottom of my heart from both my mum and I.

My mum shares so many wonderful, glorious memories with her family. She used to share the stories of her childhood with me, always with a big smile on her face. She would tell me of her Mombasa days. My Nannima fondly called her Ilu and how fiercely she protected her Ilu. Though my Nannima loved her Ilu wholeheartedly she also had moments of real struggle with her. She was after all dealing with my mum’s mental health needs as best as she possibly could at that time. My Nannima passed the baton onto my mum’s elder sister Kanu Masi who has become our Nannima since. Kanu Masi who lives in the USA has been my mum’s pillar of strength and my person to go to at any time with any question. She has never let us down. She has held us up in ways I cannot explain. Always just a phone call away she would spend hours talking to my mum. Helping to calm her down on mum’s hyper days and trying to cheer her up on mum’s low days. Even as she fights her own battles. I know she will be feeling this loss more than anyone. Thank God for FaceTime which changed our lives and it’s enabled us to be together despite being in different parts of the world. 

Anmol and Hemal, my mum’s beloved nephews were cherished by her. As was her niece, Meera. Anmol and my mum could speak for hours on end on the phone. They shared stories about bin collection days and emails to Hanuman Dada! If ever mum had a health problem she would tell me to check with Dr Hemal and she would always beam with pride as she said this.

My mum loved her sister and brothers dearly, she always told me that she would one day go to see her brothers in Kenya. When Suresh Mama died, I could not find the words to tell her and so all this time I never did. I’m sure they will now find each other again. She remembered her aunts and uncles, each of her cousins who she adored. There would always be some mention of one of them every single day. Always a story from years ago, this one said this and that one did that. She has missed all of her family deeply, especially within the last few years. 

When Yashin came into our lives as a guardian angel, he and his family took us both under their wings. My mum has always said that Yashin is her son and he has truly lived up to her high expectations. On the days when she was really angry with me she would tell me that I am her “vaow” (daughter-in-law) and Yashin is her “dikro” (son). Other days she would say the opposite. She would warn me about Yashin, tell me dark stories of what could go wrong. The truth is it’s never mattered to either of us. We have never taken anything that my mum has said to us to heart because we both know and understand that she was the purest most innocent soul we would ever meet. The day she died we both sat with her for hours, we were too late. She had already gone. Still we held her hand, stroked her head and we both cried our hearts out. He later said to me that she was our first child. 

Yashin and I have had our fair share of heartbreak and loss over the last few years. For this reason we haven’t been able to give my mum our all and the infinite time that she’s always been used to, especially this year. We have however always tried to give her our absolute best. I hope she knew this. I hope she knew how loved she was. 

Our son Pranay brought a new level of joy into my mum’s life. He was always her little “bachu” (baby) as she called him. He is and has always been a very special, intuitive and empathetic little boy. We are so blessed to have him and my mum was completely in love with him. They shared a truly special bond. Mostly they were like siblings who would play together, share food and fight for the remote control. Both would come to me with their argument and expect me to take their side. They would make drawings and paintings for each other to stick on their wall. Pranay helped to calm my mum down on countless occasions. He’s sometimes had to be the bigger person and has had to calmly explain something to her when she has been in a heightened state of mind. He’s understood her and her needs as an 8 year old boy. Something many adults still haven’t been able to achieve. 

Then there’s our Bailey. Our precious little dog who absolutely adores his Ilu Nani. Their bond was the sweetest. He always brought out the best in her and undoubtedly brightened up her days every single time he was with her. No matter what her state of mind was. 

Speaking of her state of mind, I want to talk about Schizophrenia. My mum was hearing voices. She was paranoid. She was scared. Unable to express herself. She hallucinated. She had no control. Imagine that, sitting where you are right now I want you to close your eyes for a few seconds and imagine that. Put yourselves in her shoes and imagine what that must have felt like. What must she have been going through on a daily basis? Now look me in the eye and call her “Gandi Illa” (mad Illa). I want to stand here today and scream from the rooftops that she was not mad. I will continue to share our stories on shesnotmad.com. I have always said I will write a book about my mum and her journey one day, though I am not sure I will ever be able to bring myself to put those words onto paper. What a heart-breaking journey it has been for her. Maybe one day my son will be able do it. Her legacy will live on and we will continue to spread the awareness we always have about mental health, about paranoid schizophrenia and that this diagnosis is not a bad word that cannot be said out loud. I will do my best to ensure that another Illa is not left alone in a completely lost state, longing to be accepted. I have spent most of my life wiping away her tears, fighting her battles and I will not stop now. 

Neem tree care centre, our family. Words cannot do justice to the love and care you have given us. Thank you to Meera for creating this safe space. To dear Hansa, who my mum called her sister. Krutika, her other daughter. Nora, she loved you so much. Harpal, Poonam, Vaishali, Rita, Tara, Alisha, Sonal, Geeta, Pushpa, Shilpa, Komal, Asha, Sija, Brenda, Janielle, Damali, Edyta and so many others who have been part of her Neem Tree family. The people who brought light back into my mum’s dark years. I thank you. In Leicester she was stuck in a tunnel and the light at the end of that tunnel was found at Neem Tree. These last 4 years of her life have been the most beautiful years for us, filled with cherished memories. This is the first time in the last 25 years that I have truly felt at peace and felt supported in a way that I was able to take a step back. This is the first time I have been able to let others look after her knowing she was in safe hands all the time. I could trust these people in ways I have never been able to trust anyone. Just as when a mother searches for the perfect nursery and then school for her child I picked Neem tree because of the love I felt when I walked in. I cannot thank you all enough and I will forever be indebted to you for making Illa’s last years so happy, so beautiful, surrounded by loved ones. Illa was everyone’s friend at Neem tree. The residents, even with the odd run ins, were all part of her family. All the staff loved her. The cook, the cleaners, the maintenance people. She smiled her way into each of their lives. The one person at Neem Tree who I will hold in my heart forever is Jane. Jane acted immediately in those last moments. She gave her all to give my mum CPR, she called for help and she tried her absolute hardest to bring my mum back to me. Jane was in constant contact with me leading up to my mum’s death and Jane held onto me while I begged my mum to please open her eyes again. Jane supported me until Yashin could get to me. Neem Tree, you will forever hold a special place in our hearts and you will forever remain our family. 

The time has come to say goodbye. I have always said that I am forever healing and that has never felt truer. I will continue to heal from this loss for the rest of my life. I wish my beautiful mum the most peaceful onward journey. I know she will always be with us. The day she died she left me with a sign to tell me that she was with me. I will forever look out for more signs from her. 

Thank you for being here for her today as she finally gets the peace she has deserved for so long. 

We will end with our song. I sang this to her often. It made her so happy when we sang together. She in turn sang this to me. She would say “Tu Mari Maa thai ne avi cho” (you have come here as my mother).

Jai Shree Krishna 🙏🏽

Song: Tu kitni achhi hai, by Akriti Kakkar.