There is so much about my world that even the closest people in my life know nothing about. Life happens, it carries on, things happen, they get forgotten about over time. The person who has lived these experiences lives with them embedded within forever. They relive the intricate details of those days and nights over and over. It doesn’t matter that as an adult you have worked so hard to make sense of it all, you’ve put in all the inner work. You may even feel like you have fully healed and moved on from the life you once led. You will still relive it, not because of the adult you are now but more for the child you once were. I often do this. I see children around me, growing up. I see Pranay and I think about the child I once was. I cannot even begin to imagine Pranay being in some of the scenarios I was in at his age. I protect him fiercely, some may even judge me for it. But honestly, no one really knows what’s best for my boy more than Yashin and I.

The best part about other people’s judgments? Let me tell you, they don’t matter. The life you’re living, it is all yours. To live in the best way you can. It is for you to bring your children up in a way that feels right for you, your partner and of course what is right for your children. Nothing else matters. I am speaking in this context because that is what I know in my world, but let’s be honest it applies to everyone. You don’t need to have a partner or children. Your life is yours no matter what and your timeline is yours too. Some of us are so hung up on what people will think. I know I was for far too long. Keeping everyone else happy is not as important as keeping your own little world happy. I’m here to tell you that people’s opinions are theirs and your life is yours. Live it fully, with purpose. As my beautiful boy would say “be kind, be cool, be you!” 

Story time. There was a time, I was probably Pranay’s age. I was alone with my mum in her house in Leicester. She was unwell on this particular day. She cried her heart out in her depressed state. She screamed at the voices in her head. I was scared. Terrified. I didn’t know what to do. And so I did what I knew best. I held her tight, I told her everything would be okay. I really wasn’t sure if it would be. Yet I wiped away her tears and said the words anyway. Internally I crumbled. I could feel myself shaking with the fear. I held myself together so that my mum wouldn’t know how scared I was. What was happening to her? I was 8, maybe 9 years old. Thinking back now I don’t think she had the capacity in that moment to have noticed how I was feeling anyway. It wasn’t her fault. I cannot emphasize it enough. She did her best for me with what she had to give me at the time. Both physically and mentally. She gave me her all, emotionally and materially. The same goes for my dad. They have both been the parents I needed them to be, to get me to my now and I will forever be truly grateful to them both for that. They shaped me into the person who is able to type out these words today. It is because of them, my step mum; Harsha, Baa and the two families that I went on the journey I did that eventually brought Yashin into my world. Each clog fitting into the next to complete that circuit. It is because of them all that I am now the mother Pranay and Bailey adore as much as they do and cannot be without. 

That night, filled with tears and confusion passed. My mum’s episodes were different back then. I feel that she had somewhat more control. I could be wrong. It was like she cried and screamed through the night but somehow settled down again at some point. She made me breakfast and smiled at me, maybe it was the medication she was taking, maybe it was something else. I’ll never know for sure but it was definitely different back then. My dad picked me up the next day and asked me how the night had gone with my mum. I lied to him. I told him everything was fine. I had a really good time with her I had said. I didn’t want to get her into trouble. I didn’t understand what I was meant to say. I knew lying was bad but I also knew that when my mum behaved in a certain way people reacted in a certain way. In a way that I did not understand. I told myself I wasn’t telling a bad lie. It was just what I needed to do to protect my mum and to also protect my dad in some way. I was 8, maybe 9 years old. 

We drove back to London, listening to old Indian songs. My dad sang to me and danced as he drove the car. He always did his best to be silly, to be funny, to make me roll my eyes at him and to make me laugh. 

This went on for years. He would pick me up, I would lie to him about how my mum was. It wasn’t always bad but I rarely told him the truth about how she was doing unless she was actually doing quite well, in which case I didn’t need to lie. Eventually I learnt all the words to all the songs we listened to. As I grew older I started to really understand the lyrics to these songs. I started to daydream about falling in love with this perfect man who understood all these deep emotions I held so close to my heart. I was obviously much older by this point. It became my place of escape. This beautiful world that existed only in my head. A world filled with only happiness. This is where my love for music and books came from, it became my way to escape. I loved to read and to lose myself in a good book. My imagination would take me to all these wonderful, blissful places. Especially on the days when the reality really wasn’t very pleasant. 

Over time my dad’s favourite songs quickly became my favourite songs! New Indian films would be released and dad would buy the cassettes to go with them, then CDs as time evolved and eventually we had USB sticks filled with all our favourite Bollywood songs and devotional bhajans. This is why I will always be an old Indian dad at heart! 

The more we sang about love and the more I understood these beautiful lyrics, the more my love grew from deep down within. I longed for this love that understood me. I could feel these words with my whole being. As time went on my mum’s health deteriorated. The episodes got that little bit worse every year. We had years of darkness. So many unfathomable things happened during this time. Of course I ended up telling dad all about it at some stage. I had no choice. She needed me more. I needed him more. He supported me in a way that only a loving Dad torn between two worlds could. He did his absolute best. 

I lived two lives. One in my mum’s world and one in my dad’s. My safe haven at the time was Baa in many ways. In the early years Baa and Dad were my stability, my world. Sometimes I looked forward to Leicester trips and other times I did not want to go. Mum and Nannima would spoil me and they lived for the weekends I visited them. I loved them too but I never felt quite at home. There came a time where I wasn’t truly happy in either of the two worlds for different reasons. I was loved, I was looked after, I was cared for, my physical needs were met. Some would say I was a spoilt child who got whatever she wanted. I cannot deny any of that. Everyone involved in my care did their best for me with what they knew. However, I lived in fear a lot. I wasn’t able to be myself for different reasons. I feel that I simply existed in both of these worlds. Both sets of families did their best for me, both loved me. Did either of the two families truly know me? Looking back, I don’t believe they did. I’m not sure I knew myself to be fair. At the time I was none the wiser. I just lived, day to day, year to year. 

I continued going to school during this time, I loved school. I was good at learning new things. I had great friends. School then became high school, that became college and college to university. I’m not sure how it all happened at the time but it did. Days turned into years and they passed me by. So many other things had evolved in my world simultaneously. There is so much to my story that I simply don’t speak about. I was definitely not your average teenager. I was a mother figure from a very young age in multiple ways. I had very little interest in partying and going out doing the things people my age did. I guess that changed at some point as I got older but it certainly wasn’t where I ever belonged from within. I started off doing really well at school and as my life changed I felt like I was dropping balls all around me. Looking back on this time it blows my mind. How can a 16, 17, 18 year old feel like she was dropping balls? How can she be feeling so burdened by all this responsibility. Why did she has so many responsibilities? As life unraveled I felt like a failure. I guess that has stayed with me since. Despite finding my way through it all, eventually finding my true calling of being a Montessori teacher. My passion of understanding these little people and being their voice. Working my way up from being a student to teacher to eventually manager of a nursery. I have always felt like I could have done better. 

I believe my true purpose in life is helping people, caring for people, advocating for those who are not always heard. I wonder where this came from?! What I’ve discovered more recently is that I want to do it on my terms. I want to teach the young how to put themselves first. How to dream. How to communicate their needs. It’s all I’ve ever known. Caring for people. I did it because I had to, I was expected to. I was drawn to the Montessori path and early childhood development because of my baby brother. Sure he’s technically my half brother but in reality that means absolutely nothing. We are fully one whole. I was so fascinated by this amazing little being that he was, a teeny tiny baby doing all these amazing teeny tiny baby things! I love him dearly and at the time without even knowing it he taught me so much about myself. He’s played a huge role in shaping me into the mother I am today. 

I have always recognised that this is my calling. I want to share my knowledge and be the person I needed when I was a child. Self belief is something I have always struggled with and I still do if I am being completely honest. It is a work in progress. Here’s the beauty of it, anything is possible if you put the work in. I want to inspire young children to believe in themselves. The world is their oyster no matter what they have going on in their own little worlds. I am so excited for the future because great things are coming. I made it through the fog. 

All I have ever craved for in all my years of existence was peace. A safe place. A place to call home. Truly home. My home. I moved from one family to another over the years but I never felt like I belonged in any one place. I fitted in everywhere but there was always another place to go to next. I remember a particular song, I remember falling in love with the lyrics. I remember singing this song on repeat with my dad in the car. This particular part, translated below, stuck in my mind. How beautiful a life like this would be. 

“There will be this life, where there will be nothing but happiness all around us because I will love you that much my love” 

I didn’t know it at the time but in years to come I was going to meet this man. This exact man whom I had been dreaming about. This man in my head who ticked all these boxes. He understood me, my heartache, my sadness. He would learn all about me and the secrets I kept so close to my heart. I would go on to tell him about all the times I had been alone and scared with my mum. He would learn about all the times I solved crisis after crisis on my own, merely a child at the time. He would learn about the in depth details of my sleepless nights filled with screams and cries. Sometimes mine, sometimes my mum’s. He would know the intricate details of each time my mum locked me into the house so that I could not leave her. About the countless hospital visits I told no one the details about. About everything else that was going on outside that bubble that I simply did not speak about. This man would love me unconditionally. No judgements. No expectations. I would be enough for him. Just the way I was. I didn’t have to pretend to be someone else with this man. I could be my true self.

Life at that time taught me that a love like that didn’t exist. In fact I was once told, to my face, that I was living in a dream world. I had ridiculous expectations and I needed to get over it. I needed to snap out of it and live in the real world. It didn’t sit right with me. I didn’t know it at the time but that was just another learning curve. How misunderstood I was. What they didn’t understand was that I had lived in the realest of worlds for such a long time, I needed my dream world in order to survive. That one comment was a turning point, it made me stronger and it helped me heal. It taught me to believe. It allowed me to love myself. To respect myself. I knew I didn’t have high expectations. I deserved to be loved in exactly the way I chose to be loved. 

Someone incredibly special recently told me that I manifested this man I now call my husband into my life. She told me that I had spent all those years manifesting this life before I had even understood what manifestation was. I smiled so hard when she told me this because the thought had never even crossed my mind but now she had said it, oh how I believed it. How utterly spot on she was. How else did this happen? 

Why am I sharing all of this today? There is way too much personal information here right? Yes, there is, however life has been as such recently where I’ve had a huge urge to reflect and understand what is truly important and to me, my whole world exists in our four walls. Sure there is more to me than Yashin, Pranay and Bailey but my true happiness, my peace, my home, that lies within us. The four of us. I truly value our life together in a way that I simply cannot even put into words. 

Deep gratitude, appreciation and so much love. 

Have you ever done this? If you haven’t done so already then I urge you to take some time to sit with your thoughts. Write them down. Reflect. How would your past self feel about your current self? How about your current self, where would you like to see your future self in years to come? 

In recent months when Baa was in those last few days I had a conversation with Pranay over dinner one evening. I told him that 35 years ago I was where he is now. I was the child sitting with Baa at the dinner table talking about my school day with her. She would have made rotli for me just how I had for him. I told him that these memories would stay with him forever and that in 35 years time from now he could potentially be having a similar conversation with his own children. I told him be would think back to this exact conversation one day and he would smile to himself. We talked about the circle of life and how beautiful it is to reflect on these moments. It is so easy to take it all for granted in the hustle and bustle of it all. How about slowing it down and absorbing it all as it is happening, for one day it shall simply be a memory looked back upon. 

When I shared the last blog post, the eulogy I wrote for my mum’s funeral, I thought to myself at the time that that was it. It would be the last time I would have anything to say on shesnotmad.com how wrong I was. It now feels as though I am beginning a whole new chapter. Isn’t it amazing what time, healing, strength and growth can do for someone. I recognise how much I have evolved in the last 18 months to get to this stage. 

My mum and I share a completely different bond now. It is pretty magical. It’s all in the signs around me and I honestly feel her with all my being at times. Am I now the crazy lady who people roll their eyes at when she talks about getting a sign from her mum? Yep, guilty as charged but you know what? I don’t care about the eye roller’s opinions of me! I just know that they are not there yet, maybe now is not their time. One day when they do get there they will think about the stuff I’ve shared and they will understand it for themselves. How beautiful a moment will that be for them.

Yashin doesn’t quite get it, it is all very alien to him, but does he listen to me when I talk about it? Of course he does. He values what I have to say and he supports me. He knows what makes me feel good and he trusts in what I believe. No judgments ever from that man! I could tell him the moon was purple with red spots and he would find a way to meet me in the middle! He would do his own research. He would try to figure out why I thought that way and was there in fact some truth in it?! We often talk about Ilu Nani and Baa, the signs they send us as a family over breakfast. It brings us comfort. We have so many beautiful stories around this. Some may say they are mere coincidences and others will know exactly what I am talking about. Either way, it works for us. There is no shame in being true to ourselves. 

I’ve realised that the reason I write is to share our story, especially for those it resonates with. I share to help people understand that there are so many different families out there with so many different stories of their own. This just happens to be one of them. Most importantly I share this because my boy is getting older, I have nieces and nephews who are now at the age I was at where I felt lost and so confused, those crucial teenage years. I felt I had the whole world on my shoulders. I have so many ex students who were once in my care all those years ago, who would have been between 2-5 years old when I taught them but are now young adults. Some of them are now friends with me on social media. Any one of any of these people could stumble upon this blog and who knows if they could benefit from something they read along the way. It could resonate with them or they could pass it on to a friend who they know will need to see it. 

Imagine being able to make a difference to someone’s life simply by sharing your thoughts and feelings. I would love for another person to read this and for it to encourage them to share their own story with one of their friends or with a teacher at school, maybe a work colleague. Normalising talking about things that really matter. 

I want people to know that anything is possible. We all have hopes and dreams. It is absolutely possible to dream big, set high standards for how you wish to be treated. Know how you deserve to be loved and respected. It is always a two way street. Reach for the stars, aim as high as you can with your goals. It could be for your dream job, you may be on a health and fitness journey, you may want to be on TV one day. Find your goals and then put in that hard work in to make it all happen. Some people will think you are too much, let them! (Hello Mel Robbins!!) it is so important to remember that you are enough and perfectly perfect, just the way you are (we love a bit of Bruno Mars in our house!) 

A shout out to my husband. How is any of this possible? Yashin. My absolute rock. The man who stands by me no matter what. Where did my self belief come from? Of course it came from me, no one else could do that for me but who waters and feeds that plant regularly, especially on the days I might forget to? On the days when I crumble, he helps to put me back together again. On the days I am not motivated to take that next step, he will give me that gentle nudge in the right direction. He has always seen me for me, for what I am on the inside. That is the reason we connect in the way we do. That is the reason we are “so loved up”. 

Don’t worry, we have disagreements like all normal couples do! In all honesty, when you’ve seen it all, the little things simply don’t matter. Some life lessons teach you to appreciate the good and let go of what doesn’t serve you. Though I believe we also really get each other’s minds and so we are able to communicate our way through any disagreements that may arise. This didn’t happen overnight, it takes years of learning about each other, figuring each other out. A lot of give and take, compromise, understanding what the other is saying without misinterpretation. Putting ourselves in each other’s shoes. We understand the fundamental principles and importance of building each other up. It works both ways. I understand his needs as much as he understands mine. We’re a team. I give him a gentle nudge on the days he needs it too. I let him cry into my arms when devastating, life changing things happen. It is a two way street. 

The reason I am sharing this post today is because it is our wedding anniversary soon, 24th June will always be a memorable day for us, for many reasons. I’ll save those stories and lessons for another time. 

I wanted to celebrate another year with this beautiful man by pouring my heart out here. Of course I’ve been reflecting on everything that got me to this day, 13 years on. I am so grateful to be where I am today. I am so blessed to have married this incredible man. I adore the world we have created for Pranay. I am so thankful for the life we share. 

Happy anniversary my Iove xx

If anyone else other than Yashin and Jaymini actually made it this far then I thank you! I appreciate you. Please do reach out. I’d love to hear from you. Much love xx