Happy birthday to Illa’s son xx

I haven’t written anything for a very very long time. Today I had this urge to share and so here I am sharing my heart with the world. I’ve actually been writing this for a couple of weeks now, snippets here and there. Stolen rare moments of quiet time during the lockdown period and when I got a minute or two to myself whilst homeschooling, cooking and cleaning. 

I firstly wanted to wish my incredible husband the happiest of birthdays and whilst doing so I wanted to put out there just how much of an amazing human being he is. I wanted to share the importance of support, the kind of support that comes straight from the heart. No strings attached. I wanted to share our story, the story of Illa and her son. 

Our story began 11 years ago. The most beautiful love story, one I love to tell and people smile when they hear it. It was right out of a movie, a magical movie where dreams come true and I absolutely got my happily ever after from it too. This incredible man walked into my life and suddenly everything changed. He loved me in a way I had only ever dreamed about. He taught me to love myself, not intentionally, he just changed my outlook on life by stepping into mine. I suddenly understood that I was worthy of love. I deserved to be treated like a princess, though he took that part a bit too seriously some may say, quite literally!! It has been a dreamy, magical, fairytale journey and I have loved every minute of it. 

It took a long time for me to let him into my life because I always lived in fear based on past experiences. Generally men who were interested in dating me did not like to hear the words “my mum has been diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia. It’s not quite as simple as a diagnosis. She is a very big part of my life. I am her main carer. I am her only carer.” 

Yashin heard these words and his reply was “Wow, you’re amazing. It must be really tough.” When I tried to push him further away as we became closer he would say things like “we are in this together now, you will never go through any of this on your own again” He wasn’t phased by it in the least. He didn’t care that it would impact the rest of our lives together. He didn’t worry that he would also become my mum’s main carer to some degree. It didn’t bother him that we would have to cancel plans, holidays, put our lives on hold on numerous occasions over the next 11 years and beyond because emergencies would come up all the time. Nope, Yashin wasn’t like any other person I’ve ever met. He was different, he still is. He has a heart of gold and the patience of a saint, unless he’s arguing with our 5 year old darling son over what movie to watch on Netflix, but that’s a different story!

I can’t say that Yashin “saved” me, because I have never believed that that can happen. I believe the only person who can save you is yourself. The only person who can change your life is you. The only person who can take you to your happy ever after is you and I firmly believe that even now. He absolutely did not save me. I have always been a warrior, I have always fought for myself and for the people I love. I have always been one of the strongest people I know. I say that with such confidence which could be mistaken for arrogance because only I and a handful of loved ones, truly know the intricate  details of my daily life and each day that has led me to my today. I believe with the same confidence that not many would have survived to tell the tale that I lived. No, Yashin did not save me. What he did do was support me. He loved me selflessly, unconditionally and he shared his beautiful soul with me. He helped me to believe, he took hold of me and we have walked the rest of our path of life hand in hand since. 

Telling Yashin about my mum was easy, an absolute breeze. A breath of fresh air. The time eventually came to tell my mum about Yashin, that was a whole different kettle of fish! My mum was terrified of the day I would tell her I was getting married. She held onto so much fear around it. She has always wanted nothing but happiness for me, her mind didn’t always let her play that out calmly and peacefully though. I remember the day I told her that I had met this man. I loved him very much and he treated me like a queen. She instantly questioned everything about him. He was from South Africa, what if he tried to kill me how another man had killed his wife.. it was all over the news at the time. What if he took me to South Africa to live there, what would happen to her? What if he didn’t like her? We talked through all her worries and I assured her that she really had nothing to worry about with this gem of a man. Of course nothing really worked until she met him for herself. The meeting went beautifully, as if it could have gone any other way. Yashin worked his magic and said and did all the right things. She instantly felt comfortable around him and she even told him that the colour of his skin reminded her of Lord Krishna who was also dark and he too had a kind heart! We laughed and laughed at Illa’s innocence. 

One meeting led to two, three and so many more. He was quickly a big part of her life. There was one time in particular that sticks in my mind. We had gone to Leicester because mum had transitioned from her low sleepy phase into her hyper manic phase. She was all over the place, there was a lot of screaming, shouting and paranoia. She would pace up and down the room and get very angry over simple things. She would be hearing voices during this time and she’d be completely traumatised internally. I always worried what would happen the first time Yashin saw this in person. I had of course talked about it many times with him. He knew the details of what had happened in the past though never seen it until this one fine day. I did what I always did when she became unwell in this way. I took control of the situation and did my best to calm her down, knowing that I never truly knew which way things would go. She could become violent and aggressive at times. I had to be on guard to protect myself and her. Many years ago shortly after my Nannima passed away, she tried to take her own life on various occasions, it has always stuck with me and has always been something I think about when she becomes unwell. So many different things ran through my head during this time. She usually hated me when she was like this. I could do nothing right. It was exhausting. 

On this particular day she paced up and down the room and she shouted at me because I had asked her to eat something, knowing she hadn’t eaten properly for days. She started singing at the top of her voice and made faces at me. Yashin talked to her calmly and suddenly she stopped. She sat next to him on the sofa and calmed down for a few minutes at least before starting up again. She talked to the photos on the wall, she spoke to the statues in her little temple. Again he spoke to her about something and distracted her and again she calmed down and sat next to him. This repeated for hours. He managed to get her to eat something. He just treated her like she was anyone else. She felt understood by him. I felt nothing but relief. As always things escalated, the CRISIS team were involved and eventually she was admitted onto a ward. 

There was another time, a similar situation arose and this time Yashin had a lot going on with work. He had calls to attend to over the weekend and his lap top was permanently attached to him. We arrived in Leicester and did what we did. I remember this so clearly and I don’t think it is something I will ever forget. I went into the kitchen to make some tea for us all. I could hear mum in the other room, crying, shouting, talking to Yashin about all her worries. Suddenly there was silence, I went into the room to see what had happened and I saw mum sitting on the sofa next to Yashin. Yashin had one hand on my mum’s hand resting on his knee. He had the lap top resting half on the coffee table and half on his other knee. He had the phone to his ear and he spoke to someone as he typed with one hand. Mum sat there quietly watching him and not making a sound. He finished his call in a few minutes and looked up at me, “I just need to send an email” he said. Mum continued to try to read what he was typing as he typed and I quietly walked into the kitchen eyes filled with tears. What had I just witnessed? How could this man be so patient? So calm? So unphased by it all? 

When mum is in her manic phase she does not sleep. She can go for days, up to a week, sometimes longer with no sleep at all. Being the one who takes care of her I have in turn not slept on many occasions with her. It’s affected every part of me. Physically, mentally, emotionally. It has affected my education, my work life, my personal life. When Yashin came into my life I was suddenly able to sleep, even during the manic phase. We would take turns. We would do shifts. He would stay awake so that I could get an hour or two of sleep knowing that she would need me most when at her worst. There was a time I was in Leicester on my own with mum and Yashin was in London. We had not slept for a couple of days straight, mum and I. Yashin called on mum’s phone, it was in her bedroom and he spoke to her about anything and everything. He kept her busy. He sent me a text message to say “I’ve got her, you sleep for a bit.” I was on the sofa in the room next door. I told him to call my mobile to wake me up when he had to go. I slept. The relief that came with that and the hundreds of moments like that have just been priceless. 

A year or so after being married and moving into our new home where we had more space, we were able to bring mum to stay with us more often. Sadly these visits didn’t always go well, mum really struggled with me being married and having another person in my life, she struggled with me having my own life. She loved it but it was also hard for her. On days when she couldn’t express herself she would behave how a child might. We went through a phase where she would have accidents, not always making it to the toilet in time. Usually during the night. She would stand outside our bedroom door and she would repeatedly call my name out. When I walked out she would say “I have made a mess.” She’d be so distressed by this. Crying, frantically worrying and the look of horror on her face. Yashin would always say, “it’s okay I’ll clean up the mess, you sort mum out.” I would help her shower and get dressed while Yashin would get the bed ready for her again. 

These stories are endless and I would be here forever going through each one. From my pregnancy and how that affected mum’s life. Each year, as Pranay grew from month to month, year to year. Each one came with its own story and how it affected mum and her journey. 

She moved from an independent house to supported living in an independent flat. She moved from day time support to 24hr support. The most devastating move for us was when she was taken into a residential care home and needed 24 hour care. The best move has been the move to a care home in London. The most incredible place with nothing short of angels taking care of her every need. The added benefit of being able to see her as often as we wanted, until Covid hit of course. 

We have survived 2020 and a world where Covid has taken over our lives. We have loved lockdown after lockdown because it has meant being together and enjoying our little world of 3. We are of course missing our loved ones deeply and spend hours on FaceTime. We have been forced to be away from our Illa. As always we have made it our own with technology. Yashin being Yashin has made things as best as they can be for her by installing an interactive camera into her room, creating slideshows with music on a digital photo frame for her to enjoy and the list goes on. We watched our Illa slip away and come back to us when Covid took over her body. Our survivor. We filled out end of life forms for her in sheer disbelief. We got through it, came out the other end and lived to tell the tale. 

From that first meeting 11 years ago to now, we have shared countless memories. A beautiful marriage, a gorgeous 5 year old son. An ongoing journey of losses. 3 beautiful homes, making the final move to our forever home. Traveling the world. Infinite trips to South Africa. We have lived and continue to live our happy ever after. We have grown as people, we are certainly not the people we were 11 years ago. The beauty of it has been that we have grown together, we have understood each other. Don’t get me wrong, we argue and bicker like all couples do over silly little things but overall we are on the same page, on the same team and that’s all we need. I feel so blessed to have found this man, I feel so thankful for Illa to have this son who loves and protects her in the way he does. I am grateful that he is the father of my son and the best role model I could ever want for him. I have nothing but love and respect for our parents in South Africa for creating this human and thank them with all my heart for becoming my family. 

I will finish with the translated lyrics of one of my favourite Hindi songs, Tujh Mein Rab Diktha Hai, the female version. You must listen to it. It is the most beautiful song with the most beautiful lyrics in Hindi. My husband of course needs the translated version! Though I don’t feel the translation does it justice. Every single word resonates with me. 

“You didn’t ask me anything, You didn’t ask for anything, Whatever you gave was from your heart. You didn’t say anything, You didn’t weigh any of it, Whatever you gave was with a smile. You’re the sunshine and the shade, You’re the stranger who became my own, I know nothing else I know only this… I see my God in you.”

Happy Birthday my love, may you always be blessed. I love you x